Success is just like being pregnant: everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you were fucked!
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Joke mark: 9.83 (from 6 marks) - Give a mark for joke

  Wise thoughts on everything
1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.
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Joke mark: 9.8 (from 5 marks) - Give a mark for joke

  Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
A: Lipstick...

Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.

Q: What is the difference between a Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
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Joke mark: 9.75 (from 4 marks) - Give a mark for joke

  Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
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Joke mark: 9.75 (from 4 marks) - Give a mark for joke

  A blind man with the hand on a grater: "who wrote that shit?"
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Joke mark: 9.67 (from 3 marks) - Give a mark for joke